Taking care
by Lucius Sikilmituile
Summary: One early winternight with the shinsengumi changes Chizurus life forever. AU, storyline takes place in some alternate storytime without so much... deaths.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuouki shinsengumi Kitan, if I did, things would have gond diferently.

Taking care

The first snow of the season was sailing in silent flakes through the dark night sky. Soon winter would come and the already cold days would turn to really freezing nights.

Chizuru had finished washing the dishes and taking care of the kitchen after supper and was making her way back to her rooms on the veranda, when she stopped, admiring the view. The always busy household was quite because the loud soldiers of the Shinsengumi had all retired to their quarters for the night. The garden laid in hazy shadows, only the snow flakes dancing through the air like the Sakura blossoms in spring. It was freezing and not long after the girl started her reflection, she turned back to continue on her way to bed.

„It's cold," Chizuru whispered into the dark and tried to warm her hands with her breath. „Winter is approaching fast this year."

She was passing the rooms of the captains of the warrior squad, when suddenly she heard a faint noise. The brunet stopped in her tracks. There it was again, a faint mumbling or more like a winning. A dreadful feeling run through the young woman. She knew that sound and she didn't like it one bit. Careful not to disturb the night more than necessary, the girl started to creep along the wall of the building, listening into each room, to see if she could find the source of the painful whimpers.

Quite snoring came from the first and no sound at all from the second door she listened at. When she reached the third, the rustle of clothes and the scraping of nails on wood told her she was on the right track. She opened the door and made her way to the prone figure on the futon. Long, white hair spilled over the bedding, the face turned down, the naked back of Chizurus personal monster for this night, heaving with rustling and unsteady breathing.

„Shhhhhh," she tried her best to be as non threatening as possible. „It's all right. Everything will be over soon."

Chizuru knelled on the side of the man and tried to touch him reassuringly. In that moment wild, red eyes fixed her with a predatory look from under the white strands. No reason was left in them, as they looked the girl up and a painful grin spread on the contorted face of her friend.

Because all the members of the Shinsengumi were her friends, no matter the circumstances. But the man before her was lost to his own demons, to a blood lust so deep, she was not sure she could bring him back.

Chizuru shivered. Horror crawling up her spine, faith and courage leaving her by the second. The cruel faces of the blood lusting monsters that attacked her on the first night she was in this town, the ones that had brought her to the tutelage of her wonderful companions, reflected in her inner eye and paralysed her with fear.

Growling bought her back from her nightmare of over two years ago and into the one before her now.

„It will be ok..." her voice trembled to much to be reassuring now. „I'm here for you." She tried again, her hand outstretched to the lost soul in front of her.

And he reacted at once. Not the way she was expecting, not the way the possessed by the water of life normally attack. He grabbed her forcefully, pulled her close searching for an opening in her kimono. But when he had found it, he did not attack the obvious presented neck. His hands went deeper, trying to reach the rest of her flesh.

Bewildered Chizuru tried to struggle. „What...? Please no..." the girl offered her attacker her neck. „Here," she breathed. „Take my blood and you will feel better."

She had never been so scared of one of her companions. None had ever been so gone, so crazed that they would not reacted to her, that they would not take her offering and turn back to their normal selves. They always regretted hurting her afterwards, but she offered willingly. Her friends, her family was precious enough to her, to make such a sacrifice.

This time it was dangerous. Nothing seemed to be left of the man she so much cared for.

His hands had loosened her clothing and his body was accosting her in a way completely foreign.

„Why?... Please stop..."

Chizurus please went unheard in the deep of the night, growling overlapping them and her sobs drowning them out.

Half an eternity seemed to have passed before the creature above her sank his teeth into her neck. Mouths-full of her blood went down his throat and then, the white of his hair started fading back into black and the red of his eyes turned slowly into their normal deep colour. Still he seemed not to be conscious.

The girl had stopped pleading, had stopped sobbing all together a while back. She stared at the man in her arms who had done unspeakable things to her and finally could recognize her beloved captain again. If she was lucky, he would not remember this night.

He fell to the side and Chizuru did her best to wrap him up in the blankets lying around the futon.

The young woman, because now she would never be a girl again, made sure the warrior would not get cold that night. She left the rooms to at least find some peace and solace in her own empty and cold bed.

The next day stared out like any other.

The brunet housekeeper of the Shinsengumi rose before sunrise, went into the kitchen and did the wonders she always did to create a suitable breakfast for the men.

The first meal went by, the morning training was done with, in which the girl decided that she would apply herself much more from now on, patrol duty and lunch went on and even dinner passed like any other day.

If it wasn't for Hijikata stopping behind her that afternoon and murmuring a very shy „thank you" to her, Chizuru would have sworn that nothing special had happened there the night before. She could not be sure how much the demon commander of the troupe knew about the events that took place, but if she had to judge by the trembling of his voice, she was sure he knew more than what she wanted this brave man to know.

AN:

First chapter done, hope you all liked it and press the nice and shiny review bottom.

I have a task for you: I'm not yet satisfied with the title, so, if you have any suggestions, please tell me.

And here... some dictionary work before any language questions start:

Shinsengumi: group of not upper-class samurai who established themselves as such in the revolutionary period around ~1860 in Japan, protecting the city and working for the shogunate.

In the anime they are all bishonen (very yummi ^^) and have "adopted" a female member (Chizuru) into their group.

Shogun/Shogunate: General, rule of the general

Ronin: wandering samurai/warrior.

Water of Life/ ochimizu: the blood of Oni (demons) used in the anime by the members of the troupe to be able to heal their wounds faster. It has some ugly side effects: red eyes, white hair (still very yummi ^^), craziness, blood lust, very dark turn of character, complete loss of original personality...

Rasetsu: human-demon hybrid created by the blood of life. Not the best of companions... see above.

Sakura: Japanese cherry

Hakama: traditional japanese, wide trousers, made basically for horse back riding, worn by men.

Kimono: traditional japanese dress, normally worn by females

Geihsa: traditionally a woman for polite and interesting company. They excel at arts, know about politics and social rituals.

Kamis: pl. of kami, japanese for god.

Katana: japanese sword.

Soji doors: sliding doors made out of rice paper.

Hime: japanese princess.

Shogi: japanese chess.

Go: japanese strategy game

Dojo: japanese training hall

Futon: traditional japanese bed, extended on the floor for the night and rolled up at day time.


	2. Chapter 2

Winters blankets fell over the city, life got slower, the fightings fewer and the trainings harder because of the cold surrounding the land. The Shinsengumi did their duty without complain, saving the city from rough ronin and marauders, helping were they could and even stopping the fires that had started on one of the town quarters by accident.

All in all, winter was a quite affair.

The snow was still high when Kondo-sama send out a delegation to Osaka. The mission was secret, delicate and somewhat dangerous. Chizuru trembled as she saw her friends of, eyes full of tears, and her best wishes for them on her lips.

Okita made fun of her, for worrying to much. Saito on the other hand knocked the insolent captain over the head. Everyone started laughing, so the goodbyes turned out way more happy than depressing.

Even Hijikata seemed satisfied, if his murmured „you reap what you sow, Okita" and the slight smile on his lips were any indication.

The small group passed the gates and the second in command of the troupe looked back one last time before they all vanished in the brilliant white of the morning sun.

The weeks passed in the city and the rest of the warrior troupe did their assigned duty without flaw. Chizuru had changed her own schedule, got up even sooner to finish her work in the housekeeping, and started to train with the younger and more inexperienced soldiers. She even dresses as a boy again.

Such change went not unnoticed and one morning Kondo-sama started to ask.

„Ne Chizuru-chan, you started training again. How come? Where you not happy the way it has been until now?"

The hole room held its breath. Chizuru had been fearing the questions about her change in behaviour and clothes. When none came at first, she was very happy to let it all rest. But the peace could never last long with this rowdy men and one way or the other, her troubles had to catch up with her.

She shallowed her bite and looking more at the floor than any of the present men, she replied.

„It's not so much a recent change, Kondo-sama. Should I return to the way things were before?"

The leader turned scarlet and started to look a bit flustered. „No, no", he assured. „I was not complaining. But it surprised all of us, that Chizuru started wearing her hakama again, instead of the kimono. And you have never trained so hard before, even when you had to act like a boy..."

He trailed of scratching his head. Silence flooded the room.

„Last winter, with the first snow, I was reminded of the first time I came to the Shinsengumi." The young woman replied. „I felt helpless in that moment and I swore, I would never feel such again."

She looked up.

„You are all brave men and great warriors and I'm very grateful for your protection. But I want to be my own man. I want to be able to defend myself if need be. I think I will never be as great a swordsman as Okita-san or as strong a fighter as Shimpachi-san, but I want to be able to swing my sword and not hurt myself in the process."

Silence greeted her words. „That is why," she finished, „I stared training again. I tried to not upset the household to much, but if you rather have me on my old duty only, I will do as you wish."

Kondo blinked bewildered. „What?... no, no Chizuru-chan." he reiterated again. „I was merely curious, as nobody seemed keen to ask you, I took it upon myself." He looked around the room for confirmation and all present stared babbling at once.

„It's no problem Chizuru-chan"

„You have been doing great, you should keep up the hard work, Chizuru."

„I wouldn't want Chizuru-chan to feel week."

Before the mayhem could start, Kondo held up a hand. „Now you see, nobody is asking you to quit your training. But if you are training as hard as every one of us and doing all the same duties too, I don't see why you should be the only one in charge of the house keeping. It was nice for as long as it lasted, but now to be fair, we should start to help out again and not have one of our warriors be a housemaid on top of everything else."

And so it was decided to split and rotate the housework, like it had been done in the very first days of the Shinsengumi.

It had been months since that fateful night which made Chizuru turn her life up side down. After the first moon had passed, the female member of the Shinsengumi had started to have a bad feeling, after the second, she began denying her own suspicions.

A few weeks had passed since their leader had inquired about her change of heart and now, it was very obvious to her, that she had not survived the attack unscratched. Soon it would not be possible to hide it from the rest of the group either.

How could she have been so careless, so naive to overlook the glaring signs. Deep in her heart Chizuru knew the answer to that question. She wanted to forget that incident, wanted to forget, that the person she treasured most of all her companions, had been so far gone to hurt her body, mind and soul. She wanted to forget, that he could possibly know what he had done to her. And she definitively did not want to acknowledge, that he may distance himself even more because of it.

On any normal circumstances, such an event would be celebrated. In her case, she feared the worst.

Chizuru did not know if she was ready to face the consequences. But she did know, that there was at least one person, she would confine in before she did anything at all. She respected him to much to deny him the right to know about his child. She could only pray, that the men sent out on a secret mission would return soon and well.

The snow had melted, the trees were green and flowers adorned the side of roads and rivers. Children laughed and played carefree in the fields and life itself had returned to the city. With the spring, the fearsome warriors of the Shinsengumi who went out to Osaka, returned home.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was high in the sky, the division on patrol had left at least one hour ago and Heisuke, who was on kitchen duty that day, just passed her on his way back from the market.

Chizuru was training with her blade under the watchful eyes of Saitou, repeating the movements time and again and correcting her stance, every time her teacher instructed her to. Hajime was a strict instructor, who would not teach her anything new until she perfected his precedent lesson. Sometimes it was very frustrating to the young woman, but most of the time it was only tiring like hell.

Every captain had his fighting style and his own way of teaching. They had taken it upon them, to instruct their little princess themselves. Nothing less than the best, Kondo-sama had said, for the most precious flower in their garden. Chizuru wondered how long that statement would ring true.

Shimpachi and Sanosuke were the once for strength. They made her run around the perimeter of the building countless times, carrying weight on her back and pushing that old, heavy wheel in front of her.

Heisuke was the most playful one. He loved to play catch with her, where she had to avoid him in any way possible. Running around for hours, jumping over every obstacle that lay in her way because he would not hesitate to do so himself, or climbing trees and roofs to get small advantages was extremely taxing too.

Sannan on the other hand, preferred tactics. He would teach her about different tactics used in combat and war and afterwards, he would let her solve his very tricky practical problems. One thing was sitting over books and understanding the ways of the old warriors, another all together was applying the methods and improvising on the spot. Because, as he liked to remind her, she was not the only one studying the old texts and her enemy would have known how to counter them in the first place.

Saitou was the perfectionist.

A light breeze carried over the place, cooling Chizuru down from the exercise and the burning sun. Sweat was running down her back and her cheeks had redden from the workout. Saitou stood behind her, in his black kimono, not even affected by the heat of the midday. Even for spring, it was warm.

They heard their voices before they could see the group of men coming through the portal. With the demon commander ahead of them, the travellers returned home, flocked by a group of their own soldiers whom they had encounter entering town. Okita was joking with some of them and the rest of the travellers, while Hijikata made his way directly to the main building.

„Look Hajime, they are back!" Chizuru forgot all about her training. She wanted to run up to the group and greet them warmly, but her housekeeping responsibility told her, it would be prudent to alert Heisuke first. She had sheathed her sword, when Saitou asked her unimpressed: „And where do you think you are going?"

She smiled at him brilliantly. „Don't you agree that someone should warn Heisuke."

He would not have let her go, if she just wanted to great the home coming, but because her practical sense had won over, Hajime closed his eyes and let her leave training earlier. After all he did not want to hear the young warrior complain if he had to cook twice.

Chizuru run all the way to the kitchen and jumped in like the house was on fire, scaring Heisuke and nearly making him drop the freshly washed vegetables.

„Heisuke, guess what!", the brunet exclaimed without letting the boy do so. „Hijikata and the others are back!"

Smiling at him as if someone had presented her with the most beautiful of kimonos, she run up to the startled boy and hugged him.

„Oi,oi Chizuru! I'm not the one who was out for over a month now!" The man tried to disentangle himself from her. „Besides, now I'll have to go out to the market again and buy more food. There is not enough fish for us of all, as it is now." He murmured aggravated.

She let go of her companion and looked around.

„Lets see, I'll help you with this and you wont have to go out again, ok. Lets make a meal worth of the shogun for them", and she started busying herself around the kitchen. Heisuke inspected their meagre ingredients and doubted she could even satisfy a lesser ronin with them, much less a general.

Dinner that evening, was very lively. Shimpachi and Sanosuke were loud with their questions, most of them about the beauty of the Osaka Geishas and the quality of their sake, a point where Heiske joined in.

Okita had his share of laughs and retold the most hilarious of their misadventures in the far away city, while Hijikata sat stoically at Kondo-samas side. From time to time Sannan inquired about some of the more technical details and then even Saitou looked interested in the conversation. Chizuru had a great time listening in on the lively tales. Only her attempts at making eye contact with Hijikata seemed to not take any fruit.

Before the night got to old, Kondo-sama ended the little banquet and wished them all a good rest. Heisuke started to clear up the dishes. Surprisingly he got some help from Okita, who normally despised housework, but who seemed to have missed this camaraderie quite a lot on his journey with the demon commander.

The rest of the captains excused themselves and retreaded for the night.

This was Chizurus best chance to have a word with the withdrawn second. She got up just after Kondo-sama left, made her way to the porch and waited in front of Hijikatas door, for him to come by. She casually sat down on the veranda, loosing herself in the beauty of the gardens at night.

It wasn't long, before a deep voice interrupted her thoughts.

„You are very persistent tonight, what is it you want Chizuru?"

-Right to the matter,- she thought as she looked up to the man standing behind her. He could have slipped into his rooms and she wouldn't have noticed, or ignored her all together.

-But Toshizo is no coward- the young woman reminded herself. She tried to smile up to him, but her eyes were sad.

„There is something I'd like to talk about with you, Hijikata-kun", was her answer.

He waited patiently for her to start speaking, but instead Chizuru looked to the door next to his, where the light was still on. She got up, made her way into the garden and went to the training area,

that was empty at night. Two steps behind her the tall man followed.

The young woman reached a set of stairs and made herself comfortable on them, her companion remained standing. Chizuru looked up, first at the man who changed her life so much, then further up at the sky.

„You remember...," she started, not exactly knowing how to word the things she had to say. It had seemed a lot easier when she was practising this conversation in her head, alone in her rooms at night. „...the night of the first snow." It was a statement and he did not respond. „How much do you remember of that night?" Her voice trembled when she finished her question.

Silence was the only thing to answer her at first. She knew she had to be patient, wait for him to order his thought and phrase his response. It seemed to her he would not say anything that night, but she was mistaken.

„I woke up my usual self, naked, tucked into my futon with blood smeared blankets."

She considered his answer for some time, when she was about to replay, he continued.

„At first, I did not know what happened that night. Then I started remembering,... the pain, the change,... and finally ...Chizuru." Hijikata whispered the last words. At that moment he seemed more interested in the ground than on his female interlocutor. The brunet bit her lips. She was nervous to no end. This was a conversation she never wanted to have in the first place. But the question reminded: „All?"

Before the vice commander answered verbally, she could read the pain the whole incident cause in him.

He could not forgive himself for his deeds and he knew exactly what he had done that night. Hijikata closed his eyes and lowered his head until only shadows covered his face. His white knuckled fists shook at his side as he responded hoarsely.

„All." After that the proud warrior turned around and took some steps in the direction of the main quarters before her tears strained words stopped him in mid stride.

„I'm pregnant."

Hijikata Toshizo froze.

Somewhere in town a dog had started barking, the wind rustled between the green leaves, an owl cried in the distance. For two people the world had stopped moving.

Hijikata knew without the slightest doubt, that Chizuru, the sweet and innocent Chizuru, had not laid with any other men, neither before nor after him. He knew she would never joke on a matter as serious as the one at hand either, for she was way to good at heard.

Oh so slowly he turned to face her, trembling, his head lifting inch by inch to look her in the eyes.

Her tears glistered in the moonlight, those big brown pools she had as eyes were dark like the blackest night and her outstretched hand pulled him to her side like a sirens call. He closed the small distance between them without him even noticing and took her hand into his. She made him sit by her on the dojo stairs. Then, as irrefutable proof of her words, she guided his hand to her stomach and placed it on the small bump, not showing yet through, but steadily growing under her clothes.

A long time none said a word, because no words were needed. Toshizo understood, that she did not blame him, as much as he understood how scared she was, of what would happen now with her, with him and with the child. The rules were clear on the matter, the punishment was so too. None the less, she would love the child he had given her, as much as...

„Who knows about this...?" He trailed of, not knowing how to call their situation, nor wanting to go any further in his own thought.

She had found new courage, it seemed, now that the difficult conversation was over. Now she could take action, now she would find a solution.

„No one," she told him resolutely. „At least not for the moment. It wont be to long thou and the secret will be done for."

He took her answer in straight and was ready for the next one.

„And what were you planning to do?"

For this question she took her time. Finally she concluded her thoughts.

„I don't know. This was the most important and the most difficult part until now." She smiled up at him. „Now,... I think I will leave the group. That would be the best, for all, I fear. Perhaps..." she thought it up on the moment, „I could find Sen and ask her if her offer still stands. Of course things have changed somewhat now..."

Chizurus cheeks coloured slightly in embarrassment. She had not thought of any escape rout, she had no plan for her future, nothing to present the father of her child with, that would reassure him, that she was capable of living and rising their child on her own.

He smiled at her reassuringly. „It is a start. We do not need to find a way right this moment. Soon yes, but not right now. None the less, we should tell Isami..."

„No!" She interrupted him. „If Kondo-sama knows the whole truth, he will be forced to act upon it. I do not want to see that happen."

„But you can not leave the Shinsengumi without telling anyone." Her companion argued back.

She grabbed his hand tighter and sight. „That I know too." Chizuru got up from her place on the stairs and smiled at the man who had captured her heard. „We will find a solution for this problem. Come", she gestured. „It's getting late."

The first thing in the morning, before Hijikatas sense of honour could make him do something very, very stupid, Chizuru went to speak with their fearless leader, a plan, not the best, but at least a plan drawn up in her head. All those lessons with Sannan were paying up.


End file.
